Living Will

As I sat there this morning applying layer upon layer of makeup to cover a wrinkle here and there (actually there are more than that, but it sounds better to put it like that), it dawned on me that I need to write out a living will. Not the kind that tells which kid will one day be given the job to “pull the plug” but the kind of will that gives specific instructions as to the following should the need arise. It seems that I am always telling Randy some of the following:
If I have a stroke and cannot talk for awhile or am not able to get myself dressed this is what you need to remember. Then I panic and think, “oh my gosh what if he forgets everything I am telling him to do. Would he still allow friends and family to enter the room and as they gaze down at me, and see whiskers flowing freely out of my chin? Would they stare in wonder thinking “oh my gosh, so that’s what she looks like with no earrings or eyebrow pencil!” Oh the poor dear, if she only knew which jammies Randy was putting on her to receive company! Those are the things that are keeping me up at night as the “golden years” are so quickly engulfing me.

All that to say, that after staring at myself this morning in the makeup mirror with the sunlight casting such a bright light into the bathroom, I decided that women need a true living will. A will that will keep us looking like we are alive, even if we are laying there trying to blink the alphabet to our caregivers letting them know that we are wanting our morning Diet Dr Peppers and the 3:00 p.m. Hershey candy bars. So here we go, please feel free to download it and print it off for your precious hubby who might need just a bit of wisdom in how to really take care of us, should the need happen.

1. Leave a list of which earrings go with which outfits/jammies
2. Always, and this is a command, not a suggestion: keep a razor on the bedside to quickly run over our faces before ANYONE enters our rooms.
3. A list of your favorite candy and snacks to keep hidden in case the silly nurses think you should be snacking only healthy Ensure. I think we all know by now that Ensure only assures you that you will remain regular, no matter what.
4. A manicurist will be sent to our home/nursing home every two weeks, no matter if you are in surgery or unconscious. This is a most important requirement.
5. The children cannot talk about what they will do with the inherited money from the will or insurance in the room, as they gaze lovingly down at me, even though I might look like I cannot hear them. I will come back and haunt them.
6. A list of great books that I want read to me. A good murder mystery is always good to keep our minds active trying to figure out who did it.
7. Should my teeth be in a container, insert them before any company and apply #325 lipstick (Revlon) at least 6 times a day. List the makeup bases and cheek color so you won’t look like a clown should your husband decide that the orange stick is close enough to the color you normally wear.
8. My hair is to remain blond, (shampoo in Loreal #120) at all times! Even if I am 102. No gray, EVER!
9. Do not let my Mary Kay extra emollient night cream run out. It is what keeps my wrinkles just “every here and there” and last but not least….
10. Be sure that my toenails are always painted a pretty bold color. At least as I look down at my feet, I will have something bright to be staring back at me.

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