Merry Christmas From an Old Princess Who Now Shops From Her Lazy Girl Chair

Because most of us are not the Martha Stewarts that have finished shopping, cooking and have everything already wrapped and am sitting by the fire eating bon bons with our feet propped up, I thought this might bring a smile to your face.

My new motto: If Amazon doesn’t have it, give a gift card. My Christmas Spirit is not waning, it is just refocusing. Am spending more time this year baking and sampling…thus: the poem. Thank you Bonnie for passing this on to me…it is great!

Merry Christmas To My Female Friends
>> If I were ol’ Santa, you know what I’d do
>> I’d dump silly gifts that are given to you
>> And deliver some things just inside your front door
>> Things you have lost, but treasured before.
>> I’d give you back all your maidenly vigor,
>> And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.
>> Then restore the old color that once graced your hair
>> Before rinses and bleaches took residence there.
>> I’d bring back the shape with which you were gifted
>> So things now suspended need not be uplifted.
>> I’d draw in your tummy and smooth down your back
>> Till you’d be a dream in those tight fitting slacks.
>> I’d remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin
>> So you wouldn’t spend hours rubbing grease on your skin.
>> You’d never have flashes or queer dizzy spells,
>> And you wouldn’t hear noises like ringing of bells.
>> No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes,
>> No searching for spectacles when they’re right on your nose.
>> Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fanny,
>> From a doctor who thinks you’re a nervous old granny.
>> You’d never have a headache, so no pills would you take.
>> And no heating pad needed since your muscles won’t ache.
>> Yes, if I were Santa, you’d never look stupid,
>> You’d be a cute little chick with the romance of a cupid.
>> I’d give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistle,
>> And the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle.
>> But alas! I’m not Santa. I’m simply just me,
>> The “matronest” of matrons you ever did see.
>> I wish I could tell you all the symptoms I’ve got,
>> But I’m due at my doctor’s for an estrogen shot.
>> Even though we’ve grown older, this wish is sincere,
>> Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year.

>> Save the Earth; it is the only planet with chocolate
>> Life is a gift . . . unwrap it!

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